Product Review: Flower

Orange Kush Cake by The Heirloom Collective

Not bad. Lemon and Cheese and weak in the knees.

Brand The Heirloom Collective
Strain Orange Kush Cake
Price Point $30 / 3.5g ($8.57 / gram)
Listed THC 24.6%
Packaged 09/19/2024
Purchased 10/25/2024 from The Heirloom Collective

I’m not really that weak in the knees but this smells intensely of lemon and cheese. I have had those orange strains that smell and taste like a tangerine, and this one is definitely not that. Much stronger hints of lemon - a little bit of pine, and a strong heart of cheese. Which would be an excellent Weird Al Blondie parody.

It’s very middle-of-the-road in terms of strength and psycho-activity. You could do some work on this bud. Not like operating heavy machinery but maybe some light and playful machinery. You could definitely operate a bicycle or a waterslide. Is a waterslide a machine?

I keep asking for the same thing at the counter wherever I go. It gets a little refined over time, but mostly the same. I ask for a fresher bud, with a THC content above 25% and a terpene profile above 4%. I used to be less specific and I found that a lot of bud tenders will recommend weaker weed to me if I am not pretty specific. I don’t know if that’s because I have gray hair or because of their own preferences. At any rate I think once you know what you want you ask for it, right? That’s why 2 year olds are such dicks; it takes a while to get it down to a happy medium.

So back to the weed - I like it. It is slightly flat mentally, and a little less strong than I wanted. Other than that ace-y space-y. It feels like a B paper. Maybe a B+ if I like the kid.

Strength: 7/10

It feels weaker than it lists. This is like 20% bud. I know testing is all bad or whatever. But often the number means something. Here I just think it’s a bit lower than advertised. I like the bud and it’s not shitty it’s just not one-hit and done.

Taste: 8/10

No complaints at all. Doesn’t have a super strong smell before it’s ground. After that really strong lemon. Very strong cheese. Hints of pine on the edge of it. It smokes very smooth. I don’t cough much and this was no exception.

Appearance: 9/10

Well taken care of. Pretty buds. No shake in the jar. It’s really pretty beautiful weed.

Overall Score: 24/30

I’m all fucked up in my head about some random shit some person on the internet said to me today. I hate that. I am trying to just write a summary here and all of a sudden I’m just in my way for a second. It will pass but man - other people, amiright?

So let’s get past that. I have really been enjoying smoking this weed tonight. I cleaned and iced up the bong and went to town on it. I will say that with The Big Smooth which I picked up a couple stops ago, I had to actually stop smoking that weed after a bowl because I was done. Like I needed water and I had to think about how to get it. And yet here I am, giving another reasonably high score to weed that didn’t really come close in that respect.

I feel like I’m Homer doing food reviews; everything’s a rave. And ultimately it’s because of two things:

  1. I just still get excited about buying weed legally and smoking it. So everything starts out at like a 6 or 7/10 just because I got to buy it without sitting around all day or listening to some dude’s demo.

  2. In a world where reputation management has spun out of control and is asymmetrically applied against the less powerful, I find it hard to participate in any posted ratings systems without a huge upward curve being applied. I mean I seriously feel that way in the same way that I give every Lyft driver 5 stars because I don’t want to fuck with someone else’s life.

But I will admit it renders these reviews less useful to the end user than they otherwise could be. I may have to change my approach moving forward.

Anyways - this one gets grandfathered in with a B even though it’s a C+ by a whisper if I really wanted to be honest.

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